ItwasonlyanotherreasontohateHarry.
Butmaybethecontestbetweenthemwasn’tacontestatall,whenHarrytreatedDobbywithkindness,whenDobbynolongerhadLuciustellinghimtoshuthisearsintheoven.Itdidn’tmatter,then,thatDobbyhadoncecaredforDraco.Atsomepoint,Harry,wealllookoutforourselvesandourselvesalone,nomatterwhatwetellourselves.
Whencomparingthetwoofthem,Dracocouldn’tseehowdifferenttheywere.Theycouldhavebeenfriends,ifonlyDracohadn’tsomehowscreweditupthatfirstday,ifHarryhadbeenputinanyhousethanGryffindor,ifhehadn’tthrowninhislotwithRonandGrangerthatfirstyear.AndmaybeDracoreallycouldhavehelpedhim,andthenhewouldhavehadareasonnottoturntowardstheDarkside,wouldhavehadsomewheretoturninsteadofjustbeingstuckthere.
That’swhatdriveshimmad,thewhatifs.
Intheend,itdoesn’tmatterhowhegottowherehedidtoday.Hecanstilllookbackontheyearsleadingupandseeallthethingshedidwrong,thetimeshemadeGrangercry,thetimesheinsultedRon’sfamily,thetimeshewashopingthatHarrywouldfail.Theystackuptobeamountainofbadthings,buttheywerethingsthathecouldhavejustapologizedforwhentheygotalittleolder,ifonlyVoldemortwouldn’thavecomebackintothemix.
Aknockatthedoormakeshimlookup.It’sHarry,leaningagainstthewallandwearingasheepishlookonhisface.“I’msorry.”Harryspeaksfirst.Sofar,it’salwaysbeenHarryspeakingfirst,likehewasdeterminedtomakethefirstmove.“Thatwasunfairofme.Ishouldn’thavesaidanythingaboutit.”
“Youshouldhave.”Dracoshrugged,pickedattheloosethreadonthecoverlet.“Youshouldbringupalotofthings.ThethingsIsaidaboutyouandRon.ThenamesIcalledHermione.ThattimeIgotyoudetentionwithUmbridgeandhadyoukickedofftheQuidditchteam.ThetimeHermionehadherteethenlargedbyacurseIaimedatyou.”Andasanafterthought,headds,“Thehippogriff.”
“Youweren’thurtbyhimatall,yougit.”Harrysatdownonthebedbesidehim.“MademeandRondoyourpotions.”
“Iwasn’t.”
“Hedidn’tendupbeingkilled.”
Dracoisn’tsurewhythethoughtmadehimhappy.“Ireallyamsorry,foreverythingIdid.”Hebitesdownonhisliphardenoughtodrawblood,andunconsciouslymoveshishandtocoverthedarkmarkonhisarm.“Everylast,stupidthing.”
“Wewerekids.”Harrywasn’tlookingathimeither.“Maybeit’stimetoacceptthatthat’sallwewere.Kidswhodidn’tlikeeachotherbecauseourparentsdidn’tlikeeachother,andwhowouldhavegottenoveritifwehadjustbeengiventime.Wejustneededtogrowupfirst.”
“Doyouthinkwehave?”Dracoasked.“Grownup,Imean.”
“Ithinkwehave.”Harrythrewhimselfbackwardwithasigh,makingthemattressbounce.“Allofusgrewuptoofast.”
There’salongpause,withDracopickingattheskinaroundhisnailsandHarryjuststaringupattheceiling,andthen—“Icouldseeintohismind,sometimes.”Thereisnoneedtoaskwhoheisreferringto.“AndIsawyou,whathemadeyoudo.AndIhatedit,sowhenyousaythatIdon’tgetit,orIdon’tunderstandthatyoudidn’twanttodoit,orthatthewarwashardonyoutoo…Iknowthatyouwerejusttryingtomakeitthrough,andprotectthepeopleyoucareabout.That’sallanyofusweredoing.”
“Ididn’twantto.”Dracosaid,andhishandswereshakingbadlynow,theyalwaysdidwhenhethoughtofit,ofthetimeshetorturedotherpeopleandtheoccasionaloneswhereherefusedandthewandwasturnedonhiminstead,howthehealeratSt.Mungo’ssaidthatthenervedamagewaspermanent,notthatDracocaredwhenhethoughthewouldbeseeinglifethroughthebarsonhiscelldoor.“YouhavetobelievethatIdidn’twantto.”
“Iknow.”Harrysitsupandputshisarmaroundhim,anawkwardattemptatcomfortinghimthatDracoreallywishedhehadn’tmade.“Iknowyoudidn’t.”
Harry
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