分卷阅读35（2 / 2）

Hetriestoactlikeeverythingisnormal.Heclimbsintobed,pullsupthecovers,turnssoheislyingwithhisheadproppeduponDraco’sshoulder.TriestopretendthatheisnotstaringattheshadowofitagainstDraco’sskin.

“Ijust.”There’safranticscramblewherehetriestofreehimselffromthecoversandtwiststograbtheoldjumpedflungoverthedeskchair.It’soneofHarry’s,oneMrs.WeasleymadehimfortheChristmasofhisfourthyear,theonewiththedragononit.Thesleevesarefrayingandthecolorsdull,butit’sgonethroughthewashsomanytimesitswornandsoft.It’stoosmallonHarry’sframe,butithangslooseonDraco’swheneverhewearsit.Normally,Harrywouldlovetoseehimwearingit(Ginnyalwayssaidthathehadathingaboutthat,thepeoplehecareaboutbeingmarkedashisown,apossessivestreakamilewide,buthetriesnottothinkabouthisex-girlfriendintimeslikethis)buttodayhestopshim.

Dracodropstheshirtonthefloor,makesasoundinthebackofhisthroatthatisonlyaudiblebecauseofhowcloseHarryisstanding.

“Ineverwantedyoutoseeit.”He’snotstaringatHarry.He’slookingattheceiling,countingthecracks.“Itriedtoneverletyourememberthatpartofme.”

“ButIknowthatpartalready.”Harrydoesn’tknowhowtomakehimunderstand,ifhedidn’talready,abouthownoneofthatmattersanymore.Abouthowforgivenesscomeseasierforhimthanitdoesforotherpeopleanditcomesfree,withoutanythoughtofaskingforrepayment.“Idon’twantyoutofeellikeyouneedtohideeverythingfromme.”

“Ididn’twanttohideallofit.”DracodropshiseyestoHarry’sfaceandmanagesasmile.“Justthisonething.”

Harrysteershimoverthecandlelight,pullshimdowntositonthebed.Dracofollowslikehehadneverthoughtheshouldprotest,likeanywishofHarry’sissomethinghewants.There’snotevenanounceofhesitationinhimwhenHarrypullshisarmforward,theinsideuptofacehim,likemaybehedidwanttoshowhimthis,afterall.Likehe’stiredofhiding.

“Heneverwantedustoforget.”Draco’svoiceisbitter,andunderneathhishands,Harrycanfeelhimtense.“Thatevenifhewasgone,evenifweran,triedtoputitbehindus,hewouldalwaysbethere.Apartofus.”

He’sapartofallofus.Harrythinks,tracingtheedgesoftheskullwithhisfinger.WhatwouldyousayifItoldyouthatIharboredpartofhissoul,tooksomeofhimselfintome,washelpingsomeparasiticpieceofhimlive?ThatforyearsIcouldfeelwhathefeltandseewhathesaw,thatmydestinywaswaitingbeneaththeskin,rightclosetotheheart,justbecausehewasacowardtryingtopushawaytheinevitable?

It’sugly.Harrywantstotellhimthatitisn’tnoticeable,thatitwasjustanotherpartofhim,somethingthatwasbeautiful,intherightlight,buthecouldn’t.

Hesupposesitmusthavebeenpretty,once.Thatitlookedadignifiedamountofcruel,sittingthereonhisskin,blackagainstthepale,whenalltheedgesweredefinedandtheglowofthesnakeeyesseemedtosearchyououtinthedarkness,butitseemsthatwhentheproteancharmbroke,sodidthebeauty.Nowit’sasmokygrey,andtheedgesblur,anditseemstopullandtwisttheskininonitself,sotheareaarounditpuckersinascar.Andit’scoveredinscabs.

“You’rehurtingyourself.”There’soldmarksandnewones,littleripsacrossthedarkmark.HarryrunshishandsacrossitandthenlookstofaceDraco.

“Notonpurpose,”Dracosays,andthenadds,“Notforthatpurpose.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Harryhadknownwhatit’sliketohurtyourselfbecauseothershurtyou,becausehereispaininthisworldthatyoucannotfixandyouwanttocontrolallofthat,somehow.He’dseenthatreflectedathimselfinthemirrorandwhenHermioneworkshimselftodeathandwhenRongetssoangryhepunchesawall,seenitinallofthem,ragingattheinjusticesoflife.

“Itriedtogetridofit.”Miserable,defeated,humiliated.“AndthenIjustkepttrying.”

“Idon’twantyoutohurt.”HarrycurlsintoDraco,intohisshoulder,andthenbendstopresshislipsonthecuts,likethatmightmakeitbetter.Likeifhecouldwanttofixthisbadenough,everythingwouldheal.“Idon’twantyoutohavetohide.”

“Idon’twantthateither.”Dracosays,andheiscrying,snifflingthroughtearsthatarewellingupoverhiseyes.“Ijustdidn’twantyoutoberemindedofwhatIhaddoneeverytimeyoulookedatme.”

“Youdidnothingwrong.”Harrysays,slippingtokneelontheflooratDraco’sfeet.Thewordsaren’ttruebutthefeelingbehinditis.Hedoesnotknowhowtoexpressthateverythingthathappenedwasdoneforaneedtosurvive,becausehewasaboy,becausehegotbroughtupononesideandHarryhadbeenbroughtupontheother.Thatthethingstheybothdidweredecisionsbornfromcircumstance.“Youdidwhatyouhadto.That’sallanyofusweredoing.”

“Idon’twantyoutohateme.”