ThetwocupscamefloatingbackandPottergrabbedhisasswiftlyandelegantlyashealwayshadwiththeSnitch.MaybeitwasatestamentofadulthoodthatDracocouldfinallyadmitthatwithoutgrindinghisteeth.Althoughhewasstillconvincedtheword‘elegant’hadnoplaceanywherenearPotter.
Dracowatchedashedrankhiscoffeepensively,hisexpressionturningmoreserious.
“Afterthewar—”
Ohno.
“—Ididn’treallyknowwhattodo.BecominganAuror…itwassomethingthatseemedrightatthetime,youknow,wheneverythingwasfallingapartaroundme.Thethingis,everythingkeptfallingapart,buttherewasnomorewar.Ihadnoideahowtodealwiththat.”PotterputdownhiscupandfromwhatDracocouldsee,hestartedwringinghishandsinhislap,hiseyesfixedonthetable.“AssoonasIstartedtraining,IrealisedIwasn’tgoingtobehappythere.But…Ididn’twanttodisappointanyone.”
“Disappoint?”Dracoechoed,furrowinghisbrows.“Asifyoucoulddoanythingto—”
“That’sexactlythepoint,”Potterintercepted.“Peoplehavethisideaofme,thisimagetheycreated,basedonwhatIdidtodefeatVoldemort,wheninreality…”Potterpressedhislipstogether.Itlookedpainful.“NomatterwhatIdo,itwillalwaysbeadisappointment.Itwillneverbegoodenough.Like,canyouimaginewhatwouldhappenifIstartedtellingpeopleI’mnotbecominganAuroranymore?Thepublicwouldgomad!Andthenthere’sotherpeople,likeMcGonagall.”Heletoutasigh.“Infifthyear,shevowedtodoeverythinginherpowertohelpmegetthatjob,andshedid.Whatdoyouthinkshe’sgoingtosayifItoldherallhereffortswerefornothing?But…Ijustcouldn’tgoonlikethat.”
“Soyou’rebasicallylyingtoeverybody?”
Potter’sfacetwistedandittookamomentbeforeheslowlynodded.
“DoGrangerandWeasleyknowaboutthis?”Dracoasked.
“They…TheyknowI’monsabbatical.Wetalkedaboutitafewtimes,andtheywerereallyunderstanding,but…”
“You’reworriedyou’lldisappointthem,too?”
Potterlookedup,hisfacepalerthanusual.“It’snotlikethatwiththem.Iknowthey’llsupportmenomatterwhat.Ijust—It’ssohard,explainingittothem.”
Thefollowingsilencefeltsopregnantwithmeaning,itwasstifling.Potter,openinguplikethat,showingDracoallhisvulnerabilities…Hehadnoideahowtoprocessthat.
“Whyareyoutellingmethis?”heaskedcarefully.
“Youasked,”Pottershrugged.
“Notreally.”
“Look,Draco,it’snotlikeIenjoytalkingaboutthesethings,Ijust—Theothers…Theydon’treallygetit.Imean,wealllostpeople,sotheyunderstandthegrief,but…Ijustfeltlostafterthewar,andmyfriends…theydidn’treallyunderstandwhatitwaslikeforme.”
“Oh?”WasPotterimplyingDracowouldunderstand?Hedidn’tknowhowhefeltaboutthat.
“Yeah,”Pottermurmured.“Theydidn’tseemtohavethatmuchtrouble,findingtheirplace.Meanwhile,I’mstillstrugglingeverydaytojust…keepittogether.”
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